Without Children: The Long History of Not Being a Mother
2023
by Peggy O'Donnell Heffington
A historian explores the complicated relationship between womanhood and motherhood in this timely, refreshingly open-hearted study of the choices women make and the cards they’re dealt.
In an era of falling births, it’s often said that millennials invented the idea of not having kids. But history is full of women without children: some who chose childless lives, others who wanted children but never had them, and still others—the vast majority, then and now—who fell somewhere in between. Modern women considering how and if children fit into their lives are products of their political, ecological, and cultural moment. But history also tells them that they are not alone.
Drawing on deep research and her own experience as a woman without children, historian Peggy O’Donnell Heffington shows that many of the reasons women are not having children today are ones they share with women in the past: a lack of support, their jobs or finances, environmental concerns, infertility, and the desire to live different kinds of lives. Understanding this history—how normal it has always been to not have children, and how hard society has worked to make it seem abnormal—is key, she writes, to rebuilding kinship between mothers and non-mothers, and to building a better world for us all.
Reviews
I received an advanced reader's copy of this book thanks to the author and Seal Press.
This is not the book I hoped to read when I saw the cover. It is written primarily through the lens white dominant culture and centers the experience of having children throughout United States and, at times, European history.
The introduction's discussion of 'choice' felt compelling and true, knowing how our choices about parenthood can be constrained and shaped by our society. I didn't see this theme play out, as all the chapters focused on active choice- a movement towards a goal or away from an aversive experience. I'm guessing there is less interest in and historical documentation in this middle place of not choosing to be childfree but also missing out on opportunities to try to have kids. This is unfortunate, as the middle group really does make up the majority of the story for those of us without kids. The chapter that could have contained this, "Because We Can't" only discusses IVF and egg freezing. (For a broader look check out "Not Trying: Infertility, Childlessness, and Ambivalence" by Kristin Wilson)
I think the author could have benefitted from considering her personal views about motherhood before she wrote this, or rehashing the concept of the book entirely once she had more insight. In the conclusion she states that she had softened towards parents during the pandemic and describes her previous annoyance with mothers and how they are prized. Most childless people I know are already soft towards parents and happy to support the raising of our youngest fellow humans. I think that this initial resentment scaffolded the concept of the book but then by changing gears the unique focus was lost. That ending sentiment that we should all just get along reads very shame-y and was contrary to a lot of what the book showed about the ramifications of bias about parent status.
While there was some really interesting information presented throughout, (I loved reading about the start to NON and the NotMom Summit!) it wasn't enough to feel like this is a comprehensive history that lends new insight into the lives of those "Without Children."
This is not the book I hoped to read when I saw the cover. It is written primarily through the lens white dominant culture and centers the experience of having children throughout United States and, at times, European history.
The introduction's discussion of 'choice' felt compelling and true, knowing how our choices about parenthood can be constrained and shaped by our society. I didn't see this theme play out, as all the chapters focused on active choice- a movement towards a goal or away from an aversive experience. I'm guessing there is less interest in and historical documentation in this middle place of not choosing to be childfree but also missing out on opportunities to try to have kids. This is unfortunate, as the middle group really does make up the majority of the story for those of us without kids. The chapter that could have contained this, "Because We Can't" only discusses IVF and egg freezing. (For a broader look check out "Not Trying: Infertility, Childlessness, and Ambivalence" by Kristin Wilson)
I think the author could have benefitted from considering her personal views about motherhood before she wrote this, or rehashing the concept of the book entirely once she had more insight. In the conclusion she states that she had softened towards parents during the pandemic and describes her previous annoyance with mothers and how they are prized. Most childless people I know are already soft towards parents and happy to support the raising of our youngest fellow humans. I think that this initial resentment scaffolded the concept of the book but then by changing gears the unique focus was lost. That ending sentiment that we should all just get along reads very shame-y and was contrary to a lot of what the book showed about the ramifications of bias about parent status.
While there was some really interesting information presented throughout, (I loved reading about the start to NON and the NotMom Summit!) it wasn't enough to feel like this is a comprehensive history that lends new insight into the lives of those "Without Children."
Likeless so far. Lead the way
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